"Just be glad you are not a MAN!" This is a FAVORITE saying of Russ'. I hear this saying at least five times a week. If Russ forgets to charge his electric razor (that he only has to use twice per week because he doesn't grow facial hair) and has to use a real razor and accidentally knicks his chin, I hear "Hon, just be glad you're not a man". When he has to "adjust himself" (SORRY MOM) because something isn't lying right, he states pitifully "just be glad you're not a man". When Russ has to do a MAN chore around the house, like change the air filter, he sighs "just be glad you're not a man".
So, I have decided to make a list of the reasons I am GLAD I AM NOT A MAN!!!
1. One week out of the month I am glad I am not a man. When I have to alter my wardrobe to dark pants and have my six year old daughter check to see if I have anything on the back of my pants... because after experiencing this blissful womaness quality EVERY MONTH for 22 YEARS, I still cannot manage it properly!!!! During that week, it feels as though I am being ripped in two. My back hurts. I am doubled over with cramps. I eat everything in sight. I gain ten pounds in water retention. I have uncontrollable mood swings. I cry at the drop of a hat. And my husband tells me I am ornery and that I should "just be thankful I am not a man"!
2. Whenever I shave, I am glad I am not a man. What is more pleasant than shaving ankle to hip, over pointed kneecaps, with a razor that your boys used to peel bark off of a tree branch and then replaced in the shower! There is NO greater experience than shaving armpits. And can I even begin to mention the excitement of bikini waxing. Speaking of waxing- eyebrow and lip waxes are to die for. To think- I would miss these experiences if I were a man. Oh, I am grateful I am not a man.
3. Every morning at 6:55 am, I am glad that I am not a man. Why, this time? Because, this is the time Russ rolls out of bed. I have already been up for 1 hour and 25 minutes... washing my hair, drying my hair, straightening my hair, and applying my make-up to my dark eyed, wrinkled face. Russ drags himself out of bed, jumps in the shower, puts a little gel in his hair, combs his hair USING ONLY HIS FINGERS, brushes his teeth, gets dressed, and is out of the door in 15 minutes flat. These are the mornings that I am glad I am not a man!
4. I am always glad I am not a man when I go to the grocery store with my children. I take my daughter to the store and she has one hair out of place and I get "the stare". My son sneezes in the grocery store and people look at me like I can't control my children. However, a man goes to the grocery store with his children and they are some kind of HERO. The daughter has half of her hair in a rat's nest and the other half has been left in- what was- a pony tail from the day before. She is wearing a hot pink shirt covered with stains, red pants (two sizes too small) and orange sandals that go with her Halloween costume- and her father is praised for bringing her out in public. His two sons are engaged in an all out WWF wrestling match in the middle of the aisle, teeth and blood flying, while the father fills the cart with chips and Fruity Pebbles- and nobody questions the father. No, no... they are searching for the mother, wondering where she is and why she is not controlling her children. Yes, everytime I go to the store I am glad I am not a man.
5. I am glad I am not a man every time I stop moving! You see, Russ can come home from work, sit down at the table, and read a magazine cover to cover. The kids do not bother him. They don't try and talk to him. He just enjoys his 4o minutes of "unwind" time. However, the second I stop moving, I have three kids climbing all over me. They are all talking to me at once, getting louder and louder as they try to speak over the volume of their sibling. Two kids are trying to sit on my lap. Papers are being pushed under my nose that I need to look at RIGHT THAT SECOND! Demands for food are being thrown at me left and right. Yes, anytime I stop moving I am glad I am not a man!
On the other hand-
When my children get hurt and I am the one they seek... I am glad I am not a man.
When a kiss from me makes any ouchie feel better... I am glad I am not a man.
When I can be a hero for getting a stain out of a favorite shirt... I am glad I am not a man.
When I can get out of a speeding ticket by batting my eyelashes... I am glad I am not a man.
When being a woman means NO Scout over-nighters... I am glad I am not a man.
When Russ is cleaning all of my hair out of the shower drain... I am glad I am not a man.
I TRULY AM GLAD I AM NOT A MAN!
8 comments:
I am laughing right out loud, mostly at the picture of Russ (I can't believe you would really put that on the Internet!!) but the post is hysterical too. I can think of a zillion reasons why I'm glad I'm not a man. The first being I get to wear cute clothes to church instead of the same style suit week after week. Also, I don't mow the grass, clean drains, wash out the garbage cans, lift heavy things or wash windows. I also don't fix the garbage disposal or the washing machine or any other appliance for that matter, I don't drive on long trips or have to change a flat tire and, as I said, there are a zillion more reasons...BUT the main reason I'm glad I'm not a man is because I get to be a MOM which has been the greatest gift of all!!
Love the new post. You are always so great at putting your thoughts and feelings into your blog. You definitely have a way with words. Russ looks hysterical in the photo. Hope to see you guys soon maybe you can come down to one of Reece's football games.
Kori I just loved this post. I too am glad that I am not a man, especially this past month. Let me talk for days over this past month well, past year actually. Just plain sucked if you want me to be honest. Anyway, I laughed out loud and I am all my myself in the warehouse so that is a little awkward. But you made my day. see you soon
This is the BEST post!!! So cute, clever and downright TRUTH!!!
As I am running or doing any form of exercise what-so-ever...not to mention the slightest sneeze...having organs that are being overtaken by gravity and now resting so comfortably upon my bladder...urine flows unstoppable down my legs into my socks...as my husband just slips behind our car parked on the side of the road, conveniently whips it out and ever-so-easily relieves himself...I am glad I am not a man!
Oh wait...I mean...when I sit next to Brent and his gently kisses my forehead, when he takes my hand softly in his or wraps his arms completely around me. When he protects me, when he is concerned about me, when he lays behind me and his body molds around mine and I feel safe…I AM GLAD I AM NOT A MAN!
That is an AWESOME post!! Love it!
I have to ask one thing, did you write this post during that "one week" of the month when you are glad you are not a man? Ha ha. You are funny and make me glad that I am not a man because a man could never share his feelings and frustrations like that on a blog! And that why I am glad I am not a man.
awesome, Awesome, AWESOME post Kori!!! I absolutely LOVE IT!!! You crack me up & the pic of Russ is hysterical!! THANKS for totally making my day!!! : )
I can't catch my breath I'm laughing too hard. SO funny.
Post a Comment